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Monday, November 30, 2015

SECRET EVIDENCE JUSTIFIES WHALING - ASTONISHING REVELATION




In the current issue of Blatt Lächerlich Streitigkeiten Dr Heinz Strabismus, Professor Emeritus of Clinical Pathology at the University of Arnis, Schleswig-Fleisburg, reveals why Japanese whaling in the southern hemisphere is not only defensible but should be supported by every responsible Government.
   ʽI have received highly secret information from my distinguished colleague Professor Nikitini Funi, Professor of Geheime Whaling at the University of Utaskinai, Sorachi Sub-Prefecture, Hokkaido, which he believes I should release to the wider world to contradict the assertion that Japanese whaling is not devoted to korrekte Forschung. On the contrary, over two hundred students at the University of Utaskinai have over the past ten years consumed over seven thousand kilos of whale meat as part of ongoing Forschung into the problem of human Aufstoßen,  known in vulgären englischen Sprache, as the ʽburpingʼʽ
   Dr Strabismus asserts that his Japanese colleague is about to publish results which show indisputably (unbestreitbar) that the consumption of whale meat has no effect upon human flatulence. ʽNo-one can fail to see the enormen Wert of this conclusion,ʼ he writes, ʽor contend that the deaths of thousands of whales has been without value.‘
  It appears that Professor Funi’s next project is to examine the effect of the over-consumption of whale meat on the auditory nerve: he contends that when a human has eaten more than a tonne of whale meat in a single year, he is completely unable to hear music played in the key of E flat.
  ʽI call on all men of guter Wille to cease this stupid campaign against whaling, and to support the important reserach for the furtherance of which our colleagues in Japan depend on the deaths of these dumm und nutzlos Tiere,ʼ he writes.
  For further informantion please consult the Blatt Lächerlich Streitigkeiten, pp.374-5. columns 1114-1744, issue No. 47 of November 28, 2015, published University of Arnis at €400.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

STRABISMUS VOTES FOR BAIRD!





Dr Heinz Strabismus, Professor Emeritus of Clinical Pathology at the University of Arnis, Schleswig-Fleisburg, has voiced his support for Premier Mike Baird in an article in today’s issue of the Arnis weekly Unglaubliche Dummheit.
   ʽThe Herr Professor Premier Baird’s sale of the New South Wales electricity business to a group of foreign investors is a magnificent tribute to his erstaunlich guten Sinnʼ, writes Dr Strabismus. ʽBut he should not stop there! The next step must be to sell the NewSouth Wales Government, complete with officials and Members of Parliament. My brother -in-law Herr Erstaunliche Schmidt has the good fortune to be the Honorary Consul of Arnis in Socorro in Mexico, the centre of the country’s soft toy manufacturing industry, and through the Zwischenstufe of the Mayor, Herr Rudolph Exil (Gauleiter of Munich, 1939-45, now naturalised Mexican) is empowered to offer the Herr Professor Baird a sum equivalent to $1500 for the New South Wales Govenment, abgeschlossen.
   ʽThisAnordnung securely completed, the next step must be the sale of the Federal Government, which I am assured can probably be effected for a lesser sum. Unfortunately the rebate offered during the Herrshaft of the late Premierminister Herr A. Abbott cannot now be effective, and a more considerable sum must apply.ʼ
   We understand that the Mexican Ambassador in Canberra is in touch with Miss Gottsieliebe
Klinsky, at present a cleaner in the office of Herr Eric Abetz, absolute Steuerung of Tasmania, who will act as intermediary in any consultations which may folllow Professor Strabismus’s suggestion.
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Sunday, November 15, 2015

STRABISMUS COMES OUT FOR TRUMP





Dr Heinz Strabismus, Professor Emeritus of Clinical Pathology at the University of Arnis, Schleswig-Fleisburg, commented yesterday in the Arnis Meinung Idioten on the view expressed by Mr Donald Trump that if the French all carried guns the trauma of the recent terrorist attack would have been averted.
   ‘It is unzweifelhafte Tatsache  that has been spoken by the good Trump. In the face of the present situation all citizens of every country must be issued with complimentary guns by their Governments. As President and CEO of the Kalishnikov Society of Arnis I find it unquestioneably the fact of which the good Candidate speaks.
   ʽHowever it is clear that this is not an ausreichend respond, and I would further commend the idea expressed by my friend and colleague the Herr Professor of Armaments Dr Leonhart Füffenbecken, which is that international governments should commission the provision of small individual bombs to be given to each citizen. The design of such terror preventative implements has much improved lately, and they could be made available in different colours, for the schöne Damen, and of suffcient smallness to be carried conveniently in the handbag or the gentleman’s Aktentasche. Each would be capable of completely destroying everything in the immediate vicinity of its bearer, and it is clear that any terrorist contemplating ein unangenehmer ation would be thus instantly deterred, in realisation that his destruction – before he had time himself to detonate a personal device – would result in the removal of all hopes of his being attended after his demise by the promised 47 köstliche und erotische weibliche Mädchen.ʼ
   Dr Strabismus has stated a Waffen für Alle – ʼWeapons for All‘ fund to which anyone may contribute by sending cheques (made out to Träger, or ʽBearerʼ) and sent c/o the Meinung Idioten, 101 Idiotisch-strasse, Arnis.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Breast-feeding in Parliament



BREAST-FEEDING IN PARLIAMENT

Dr Heinz Strabismus, Professor Emeritus of Clinical Pathology at the University of Arnis, Schleswig-Fleisburg, commented yesterday on the reported suggestion that breast-feeding should be permitted in the Australian House of Representatives.
ʽIs the necessary and natürliche thing in todayʼs politischen Lebenʼ, he wrote. ʽIt must be demanded to take this further. The changing of babies must be permitted, with the Dump-Bins readily accessible for the disposal of Abfallstoffe. Moreover, since the bodily functions are now increasingly zulässig, why should we not renew the custom as in Imperial Rome of installing rows of Wasser-Schränke [water-closets] so that the Government may be carried on without the necessity to leave the Chamber for natural functions? There may be some difficulty when a member suddenly wishes to rise to comment on discussion, but it is undoubted that a tactful aversion of the eyes would be emploued by honourable members whose own business is incomplete. ʼ
It is understood that the Herr Professor has written privately to both the Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition pressing them for their opinions.
-           Zeitung des Stillens, Arnis, November 10.